I am a guy...with a vagina!

Believe it or not, this is exactly how I used to feel* while dating. True story! Because shit always went awry with the first guy in line, and besides, I have commitment phobia. As a side note, if you google commitment phobia it is more often associated with men. Which furthers my theory that I am a guy, with a vagina. "WTF do you mean you are a guy with a vagina?!" you ask? Well this is what I mean....

 

*I say used to feel because I haven't done that since starting a relationship with The Boyfriend.

Once upon a time I was the girl that would fall hard and fast for the guy. I would get all mushy, gushy and shiz. And frankly, all too often, I would get stupid clingy. I was "That Girl" literally. I think it mostly stemmed from the fact that I was trying to replace the "Love of my Life" fairytale romance that I had with The Ex. Yet that led to a few too many heartaches.

And then one day something snapped inside of me. It's like my heart and brain suddenly thought I grew a penis! Yet, physically I still had a vagina. I no longer wanted to "fall for a guy and live happily ever after", hell no, screw that shiz! I wanted to have fun! Be single, date lots of cute guys, flirt all the time, get free drinks from said flirtations, and there was no way in hell I was getting tied down to one guy! At some point I became numb to all that falling in love shiz! I actually think a part of the problem was reading a couple books by Tucker Max. He is seriously an asshole, http://www.tuckermax.com/, go look if you haven't heard of him. He is a complete and utter douchebag! And I think I fell in love with that! I wasn't as bad as Tucker was, nor would I ever be, but he was inspiring. Tucker Max didn't get hurt. He lived life to the fullest. He didn't care, he had fun! 

So here I was, keeping a long list of flirtations. My texting amounts were record breaking on my cell phone bill. I became a "serial dater", I would "like" a guy for a few days, then the picking apart would begin. It would start with something small, his breath seemed to always smell. Then it would snowball into anything and everything I could say was wrong with him. Then I would either break it off gently or "fall off the face of the earth" so that I could get away. Or I would pick ridiculous fights that would end in a heated "fuck you" and that would be the end of THAT GUY! It was easy. Yet it was leaving me feeling alone.

I won't go into too much detail, but I finally started to let my guard down. At the encouraging of The BFF I gave this guy a chance. And I got hurt. Because HE WAS ALSO A GUY! Go figure! He got scared! How could I fault him for my own faults? (I am my own best therapist!)

So I had given up completely, decided to throw in the towel on dating. And along comes The Boyfriend. And he is everything I wanted 3 years ago. He is deep, thoughtful, caring, emotionally connected with himself and the world around him, empathetic, sympathetic, and just an overall great guy! And guess what? All of that is the biggest downfall to our relationship! Yup, because THE BOYFRIEND IS A GIRL AND I AM A GUY! Except he has the penis and I have the vagina! How effed up is that? Am I? 

Don't get me wrong, we have exchanged those 3 words I had so feared saying. I do love him, immensely! (That's progress right?!?) And I know he loves me. And I am blessed because he is so good to me. But at the same time I spent so much being a "guy with a vagina" that I am having a hard time swallowing all his very un-guy like tendencies. Like communication. Man I spent so much time avoiding such things because I wasn't getting them, now that I have them they annoy me!

So suffice it to say that The Boyfriend and I are a work in progress. And it's a work he isn't going to like I fear. I like my individuality, I like my space, I like my freedom, and I am not sure I ever even want to live with another man again. So I am kind of at a loss. I know I love him, I just worry that it's not going to be enough. But I guess if I am not following the above rule any longer, that must be a sign of progress and a step into the right direction, right?

Just doin' my job

I am taking a break from dating horror to just write a "what's going on in my world" post.

Basically it goes like this...

LIFE IS KICKING MY ASS...HARD.

Between money stress, working at a job that I got burned out on and left once already, doing the whole "relationship" thing while having an extreme commitment phobia, and just basically trying to live each day, I am EXHAUSTED!

MENTALLY
EMOTIONALLY
PHYSICALLY
METAPHORICALLY
LITERALLY
AND ANY OTHER -LY THAT FITS!

Hence my lack of updates as of late. So there will be nothing juicy regarding my previous dating horror stories, just a single mom, trying to be super mom, and failing endlessly.

That's the thing, I feel like I am failing my daughter. I feel like I did 3 years ago when I was struggling to make ends meet. Losing my job really hurt. Especially considering I took on a car payment and other things when I got that job. I got my w2 for that job today, and realized I made well over half in 4 months than I will make at the job I went back to all year. That's horribly depressing. Add in the fact that one of our roommates is moving out and that all the bills will increase incredibly, and basically I am one hot mess.

But I digress, I don't mean to bitch too much. I am blessed beyond measure. Because everyday two little arms wrap around my neck and say "I love you Mommy" and I know that no matter what I have a purpose, and that purpose is to provide her with everything I can to meet her needs. I have done it before, I shall again. Not to say that her Dad wouldn't, but there is nothing like a Mother's love. And Punky Girl and I, well we are tighter than tight. She is my reason for breathing, and she has saved my life on more than one occasion! (now that's a good blog post, mental note!)

So basically life is trying to tear me down right now, and I am trying to stay afloat. I will stay afloat. No matter what. I am not above selling my soul for the sake of providing for my daughter. But that's the thing about Mommy's, that's what we do. We would kill for our children, we would give our lives for our children, and we would give any part of our bodies, including our soul, for our children. I love that girl more than life, and I will always make sure she is taken care of. Even if it means that I don't eat, sleep, or have a moment to think. I will always do what it takes.  And that's where I have been, so I apologize for my lack of entertainment, but it shall return!!

Single Mom Dating, Part 2

If you are just joining me you should probably start with http://thatgirlslife2.blogspot.com/2013/01/single-mom-dating-part-1.html to catch up on what's going on.

As I left you I was involved in various conversations that were distracting me, although not really diminishing my pain. Unfortunately this led to a girl who was desperate to fill the void left behind by the guy she was madly in love with and lost. This is a recipe for a disaster, you do realize this right?

Looking back I am aware that I was somewhat of a hot mess, ok, I was a huge hot mess! And I should mention I am not super model, or anything close, but I am not ugly. I may be a bigger girl, but I know that I have attributes that do make me pretty. Yet at this time my self esteem was beyond rock bottom, and although I had lost over 30 lbs due to 2 weeks of no food, it didn't make me feel any better about myself. So let's run through the facts real quick. I had no self esteem, I had a hell of a broken heart, I had a void that needed filled desperately, and I needed to feel like I mattered to someone. Do you smell that? Those are some pretty scary ingredients, and I smell some massive let downs coming on!

Enter Mr. I Like You But...

He was funny, witty, charming, cute, and he had depth. These are all important factors to me. We hit it off wonderfully, talking late into the night. Our conversations were long, involved, sharing thoughts, hopes, dreams. I was actually digging this guy! We finally moved to text messaging, and even talking on the phone, which was no easy feat as I had a crappy signal at my sisters house. So we finally agreed to meet. My daughter would be at her Dads, and I was in the process of actually moving in with my other sister as she was in need of a roommate and Punky Girl and I were in need of a place to live. So I invited him over, he agreed to help me move some of my furniture into the apartment as my sister was working 2nd shift.

Well while I was waiting for his arrival I was about to die of nervousness. Every thought possible was running through my head, what if he doesn't like me? How can I handle rejection? Was this wrong? I am still not over The Ex, why am I doing this? What if he wants to stay the night? Holy shit WHAT AM I DOING?????????

And then he got there. And after the initial awkwardness, we fell into a comfortable conversation. He helped me move my furniture into my room, helped me move some boxes to make more room til I could unpack, and we laid on my bed and talked forever. It was as it was while we were on the phone, and texting. And then the making out started. I will spare you all the juicy details (they aren't that great), but he did stay the night. And I am fairly certain after 8 years with the same man, I looked at this man like he was a Greek God, and I had to look lovesick. But what do you expect? I am trying to mend a broken heart here, and he happened to be the first guy to jump on that. LOL.

So the next morning he woke up bright and early to go to work, and I woke up all smiles and giddy. After much kissing and him promising to call me as soon as he got off work so we could hang out again, he left for work. Now I should let you know that we talked for quite some time before I actually met him, so I felt like I knew him.

That night, no call, no text, nothing. Well this shit was all new to me, so I played the part of the crazy girl and texted repeatedly asking if he was ok. Finally the next morning he said he was sorry he passed out after work. Fair enough. So I invited him over that weekend, and he agreed. He came over, we had a great time, again....and then he left the next morning. Said he would come hang out again the next night my daughter was at her Dad's.

Well his calls and texts were few and far between, but he said he was still coming over. So I sat there, and waited, and waited, and waited, and cried. A lot. Texted, called, nothing. I was devastated. Shit! Again? I was a fragile, emotional wreck, this was NOT what I needed. Then I did what any self-respecting, broken hearted, sane woman would do.....yup I went all CRAZY FREAKIN' WHITE GIRL ON HIM! Which managed to get me a response.

The response went something along the lines of (and no this is not verbatim, that was over 3 years ago and I can't exactly remember what he said, but this is the jist of it) "I think you are a great girl, I have had a great time with you, I really like you but I am not ready for a relationship. I don't have time for a relationship. Between work and school there just isn't much left over. It's not you, if I didn't have so much going on it would be different." Hmmm, way to let me down gently there buddy. Of course he knew I was emotionally unstable, which either scared him, or earned me a pity soft hearted screw off, either way it sucked. So I wrote him off, well ok lets be honest I didn't entirely. Not at first. It took a while. And then I finally let it go. Of course there were replacements that helped....which would lead me to my next installment Mr. So Bad It Was Funny.

I should state that within the past year Mr. I Like You But actually did try to get a hold of me, which wasn't the first time since he crushed me, and each time I have ignored him! So there is douchenugget numero uno. He will always have a special place in my heart as he was the first one! LOL!

Stay tuned for Mr. So Bad It Was Funny....

Single Mom Dating, Part 1

Disclaimer: All names have been changed to protect the fools I have dated. This will be a series as I could fill a whole book with the crazies I have dated! :) 

When I became a Single Mom Superhero (yeah because us Single Mom's wear capes!) I wasn't sure how to get back out there into the dating game. I was depressed, sad, scared, lonely, and most importantly my heart had been shattered into millions of tiny fragments that I was unsure could be repaired. So my, at the time, happily married sister suggested what any good, loving sister would suggest. Start dating. But how I asked her. Her response....dating websites.

Let me digress for a moment. I should have known that her suggestion was a bad idea from the get go. Hell, she should have known it. This was my 2nd failed marriage. I am not proud of that fact, but fact it is. Sadly I met both of them on the internet. However neither was through an internet dating site. The first was when I was 19, fresh out of high school, unsure of what to do with my life. So when I had downtime, which I had a lot of, I hung out at my aunts and played on AOL. I visited a chatroom that was a member created room for people in my state. Much like anywhere on the internet, there were trolls. This guy was being obscenely rude to me, and another person stood up for me. He then proceeded to IM me and say "you can thank me later." Well he and I became friends, he had a girlfriend, but he was determined I would be a fantastic match for his best friend. A few weeks later he informed me that they had broken up and he was keeping me for himself. In my naive, young, and frankly all out stupid 19 year old head, this was a great idea! This guy and I clicked, I liked him, he was witty, charming, sweet, and seemed like a decent human being. So I agreed to meet him. I told my other aunt of this plan, which she immediately scolded me about and proceeded to tell me that this would only happen at her house, where I was safe, and my uncle could murder him and hide the body if he was a lunatic out for my blood. Well he came, we had a great time, and 2 weeks later I moved thousands of miles away from home with the guy. Married him 3 months later, and then he started abusing me. In every sense of the word. After over 3 years I got out!

Meanwhile my friend in TX and I had started visiting these fantasy gaming rooms, NOT SEXUAL FANTASY FOR THE RECORD, but more like sci fi fantasy. Well my character started talking to this really awesome character and they had developed a great story line based on magic and romance. This clearly led to us talking out of character. He became my best friend. He reminded me how I strong I was as I endured a divorce from a man who had been abusing me in a multitude of ways for years. When I felt weak, he reminded me how dangerous it would be to return. And through that I fell in love. Months later, after my divorce was finalized, he came to visit. We were definitely in love. We would have to be for him to drive 800 miles for the initial meeting! After 8 years and one Punky girl later, we parted ways. To me this was the biggest heartbreak I had ever endured, as I truly loved this man. He was, as I thought, my happily ever after. Luckily he is the father of my beautiful Punky girl, and he is a great one at that! And still one of my closest friends, as I know I can always count on him if I need anything. And it would be this devastation that would lead to my sisters suggestion, now after this little background, you can see why she should have never suggested this to me!

"Get out there and start dating, that's the only way you are going to get over him," she said to me as I was sitting on her couch crying a river of tears. So I busted out my trusty laptop, and I created a dating profile. Clearly I used my most flattering pictures, made myself sound mysterious, intriguing, sensual, and like quite the catch. And instantly I was getting messages and striking up conversations. And to be honest it actually did help. It took my  mind of the heartwrenching pain of going through with the divorce. It didn't help entirely, but it provided a nice distraction.

But as with all things that seem too good to be true, internet dating was a bad idea!

For the remainder of this long winded series, each bad decision guy will get their own blog post. Well unless they were so boring that I have to combine multiple ones into a post. But some of them truly deserve their own post due to their own special brand of effed up! Stay tuned for Single Mom Dating, Part 2 ~ Mr. I Like You But...

What is the deal?

For weeks and weeks of unemployment I have had all these great ideas for blog posts. I keep telling myself that I really need to start writing these thoughts down. I should start a blog! There are so many blogs I read that I have found via Facecrack that I have enjoyed, and I so used to love writing my errant thoughts for the world to see. Actually once upon a time I was a pretty big deal in the AOL blogging community, you know, back when AOL was the shit? I had a lot of readers, made many friends, and really enjoyed writing about my life and the things that popped into my head.

So what is the problem you ask?

Now I have a blog, and I got NOTHING! No creative and witty thoughts to share, no brilliant insight into life to spread amongst the masses, NOT A DAMN THING! This aggravates me! Why is it that I can have all these brilliant thoughts for all these weeks that I have been going stir crazy while waiting for my old job to call me back, or a new, better paying job to realize the value of my existence and demand I come work for them, but then when I put the plan into motion and there is NOTHING!!! Gah!

My little Punky girl better start inspiring some great blog posts so I can feel like this was not all in vain!

Le sigh...

I guess if all else fails I can start writing all the fun, HORRIBLE dating stories from the past 3 years!! ;)

Facts about 4 year olds

*they "know everything"

*you cannot successfully scare the hiccups out of them

*extended hiccups make their tummy hurt

*taking them to the store is always an adventure, and a test of patience

*they can say obnoxious really well when you call them that enough

*they can manage some fairly scathing dirty looks

*they will constantly invent new ways to ask the same questions repeatedly after being told no

*they should come with a handbook

That is all

In the beginning...

In the beginning there was blogging....and it was good.

Who am I kidding, I would be lying to say that this is my first blog. I have had countless blogs, and sadly I wish I had saved many of the previous things I had written on my old blogs. I am an opinionated girl, with lots to say, so what better way to do so then blogging? And here I am!