Believe it or not, this is exactly how I used to feel* while dating. True story! Because shit always went awry with the first guy in line, and besides, I have commitment phobia. As a side note, if you google commitment phobia it is more often associated with men. Which furthers my theory that I am a guy, with a vagina. "WTF do you mean you are a guy with a vagina?!" you ask? Well this is what I mean....
*I say used to feel because I haven't done that since starting a relationship with The Boyfriend.
Once upon a time I was the girl that would fall hard and fast for the guy. I would get all mushy, gushy and shiz. And frankly, all too often, I would get stupid clingy. I was "That Girl" literally. I think it mostly stemmed from the fact that I was trying to replace the "Love of my Life" fairytale romance that I had with The Ex. Yet that led to a few too many heartaches.
And then one day something snapped inside of me. It's like my heart and brain suddenly thought I grew a penis! Yet, physically I still had a vagina. I no longer wanted to "fall for a guy and live happily ever after", hell no, screw that shiz! I wanted to have fun! Be single, date lots of cute guys, flirt all the time, get free drinks from said flirtations, and there was no way in hell I was getting tied down to one guy! At some point I became numb to all that falling in love shiz! I actually think a part of the problem was reading a couple books by Tucker Max. He is seriously an asshole, http://www.tuckermax.com/, go look if you haven't heard of him. He is a complete and utter douchebag! And I think I fell in love with that! I wasn't as bad as Tucker was, nor would I ever be, but he was inspiring. Tucker Max didn't get hurt. He lived life to the fullest. He didn't care, he had fun!
So here I was, keeping a long list of flirtations. My texting amounts were record breaking on my cell phone bill. I became a "serial dater", I would "like" a guy for a few days, then the picking apart would begin. It would start with something small, his breath seemed to always smell. Then it would snowball into anything and everything I could say was wrong with him. Then I would either break it off gently or "fall off the face of the earth" so that I could get away. Or I would pick ridiculous fights that would end in a heated "fuck you" and that would be the end of THAT GUY! It was easy. Yet it was leaving me feeling alone.
I won't go into too much detail, but I finally started to let my guard down. At the encouraging of The BFF I gave this guy a chance. And I got hurt. Because HE WAS ALSO A GUY! Go figure! He got scared! How could I fault him for my own faults? (I am my own best therapist!)
So I had given up completely, decided to throw in the towel on dating. And along comes The Boyfriend. And he is everything I wanted 3 years ago. He is deep, thoughtful, caring, emotionally connected with himself and the world around him, empathetic, sympathetic, and just an overall great guy! And guess what? All of that is the biggest downfall to our relationship! Yup, because THE BOYFRIEND IS A GIRL AND I AM A GUY! Except he has the penis and I have the vagina! How effed up is that? Am I?
Don't get me wrong, we have exchanged those 3 words I had so feared saying. I do love him, immensely! (That's progress right?!?) And I know he loves me. And I am blessed because he is so good to me. But at the same time I spent so much being a "guy with a vagina" that I am having a hard time swallowing all his very un-guy like tendencies. Like communication. Man I spent so much time avoiding such things because I wasn't getting them, now that I have them they annoy me!
So suffice it to say that The Boyfriend and I are a work in progress. And it's a work he isn't going to like I fear. I like my individuality, I like my space, I like my freedom, and I am not sure I ever even want to live with another man again. So I am kind of at a loss. I know I love him, I just worry that it's not going to be enough. But I guess if I am not following the above rule any longer, that must be a sign of progress and a step into the right direction, right?
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